MOTHERHOOD MIGHT BE THE BIGGEST SCAM SOCIETY FORCES ONTO WOMEN

Society has built two entirely different job descriptions for mothers and fathers and only one of them is optional. A mother is expected to wake up at 5am, get the kids ready, pack lunches, handle school drop-offs, hold down a full-time job, help with homework after hours, cook, clean, manage the family calendar, and track every doctor's appointment. She does all of this without applause, because it's simply what she is "supposed to do."

She is not even allowed to say she is tired.

Meanwhile, a father who does not abandon his children entirely is treated like a community hero. The bar for fatherhood is set so low that simply being present qualifies a man for celebration. As long as he is not a complete deadbeat, he is a contender for parent of the year.

One of the clearest signs of this imbalance is how men talk about parenting. Many treat time with their own children as something they are doing for the mother — a favour, a sacrifice, a gesture of goodwill. It is not. Raising the child you chose to bring into the world is a parental duty, not optional overtime.

If a mother misses a school event, she is a bad mother. If a father checks out of parenting entirely, he is a hardworking provider doing his best. The same absence reads completely differently depending on whose name is on it.

Even when both partners work the same hours outside the home, the invisible labour inside the home falls almost entirely on women. The mental load — remembering, planning, anticipating, organising — is relentless and unpaid. She tracks what needs to happen before it becomes a crisis. He waits to be told.

When she finally reaches her limit and asks for help... Too often, what she receives instead is hostility, anger, irritation and resentment.

The pattern is consistent: men want the identity of fatherhood without the daily work that makes someone an actual parent. They want the social proof, the family photos, the Father's Day tributes but the feeding, the nurturing, the invisible hours of showing up quietly every single day are left to her.

Many women enter marriage expecting a teammate. What they find instead is that they have taken on a second dependent. If you are a woman considering having children with a man, it is worth asking honestly: what does his daily contribution actually look like? Because the version of fatherhood society celebrates and the version that happens inside most homes are rarely the same thing.

Disclaimer:

I am not your therapist, attorney, or doctor. I cannot diagnose you, represent you, prescribe anything, or replace professional support. What I can offer in good faith is a thoughtful perspective from someone who understands the social, cultural, and political landscape most of us are navigating in South Africa, without judgment, without an agenda, and without compensation.