RELATIONSHIP & SOCIETY · SOUTH AFRICA
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IF HE CAN'T EVEN BOIL WATER, HE IS LOOKING FOR A MOTHER
A video recently went viral of a man proudly showing off his dinner, joking that he's eating cereal for dinner because he hasn't paid lobola yet. The implication is clear. Once a woman is in the picture, she'll handle the cooking. It's meant to be funny but it really isn't.
COOKING ISN'T A GENDER ROLE
COOKING ISN'T A GENDER ROLE
IT'S A SURIVAL SKILL
IT'S A SURIVAL SKILL
Cooking is one of the most basic things a human being can do for themselves. It's not complicated. It's not a woman's responsibility. It's just adulting. Yet a startling number of grown men have outsourced this entirely — first to their mothers, and then, by expectation, to their partners.
The problem isn't just the skill gap. It's the mindset behind it.
WHAT WOMEN ARE SIGNING UP FOR
WHAT WOMEN ARE SIGNING UP FOR
When you enter a relationship with a man who can't take care of himself, he will not treat you as his partner. You're going to become his domestic worker except you are unpaid, unappreciated, and largely invisible.
Cooking, cleaning, ironing, packing lunches, these aren't small gestures of love. They are labour. Labour that, if outsourced to a professional, would cost well above minimum wage. Yet in relationships, it's expected to be provided freely, simply because "that's what his mother did." He doesn't see it as work.
THE CONTRADICTION NOBODY TALKS ABOUT
THE CONTRADICTION NOBODY TALKS ABOUT
Here's where it gets absurd. These same men, the ones who need someone to cook their meals, clean their spaces, and make their decisions will also call themselves leaders. Heads of the household. Providers.
You cannot lead a home if you can't manage yourself. Leadership isn't a title you inherit; it's a responsibility you earn. And it starts with being able to take care of your own basic needs.
STOP ENABLING THESE MEN
STOP ENABLING THESE MEN
This isn't just a critique of men who haven't developed basic life skills. It's a call to women to stop normalising it. Every time you step in to fill a gap he should be filling himself, you're reinforcing the idea that his helplessness is your problem to solve.
It's not.
A partner adds to your life. A man-child extracts from it.
KEY TAKEAWAYS
KEY TAKEAWAYS
Cooking and basic self-care are survival skills, not gendered obligations.
Unpaid domestic labour in relationships is still labour and it has real market value.
A man who can't take care of himself isn't looking for a partner; he's looking for a mother.
Enabling learned helplessness in a partner doesn't build a relationship, it builds resentment.
Choose partnerships where effort, care, and responsibility are shared, not offloaded.
Disclaimer:
I am not your therapist, attorney, or doctor. I cannot diagnose you, represent you, prescribe anything, or replace professional support. What I can offer in good faith is a thoughtful perspective from someone who understands the social, cultural, and political landscape most of us are navigating in South Africa, without judgment, without an agenda, and without compensation.
29 Apr 2026 | 2 min read
Orlando Stadium in Soweto holds 40,000 people. Every single person in that stadium represents a woman who was raped in South Africa in a single year and that is only the reported cases. The real number is far worse.
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